Is there no balm......

Still more time has passed. And really I don't know that I have noticed any improvement in my circumstance. Sometimes, I really wish that there were words or a diagnosis or that there were something that could be objectively evaluated and fixed, stitched up, mended, or cured. But there is nothing.

And that's really the problem. In order to cope, my life has become endless days of nothing. I go to work, deliver the papers, chase kids here and there, make meals, grocery shop, do dishes, and all of it worthless, meaningless, endless NOTHING!

Sometimes, I think it would be better to feel something ANYTHING to see a cause a reason for all this nothing. Those thoughts quickly turn dark and frighteningly horrifying. And yet sometimes they seem the only sane and rational response. I wish I could be selfish enough to end this all. I cannot survive another year. I can't.....

But I feel guilt every time I try to speak. I don't matter in all of this at all, "it's not about you, it's about ______ and HIS pain". Yup that's what they all say, they......the counsellors, and him, and the biggest traitor of all......HIS pain is all that matters. It's not about me. I'm just for some irrational freaky reason CHOOSING to make it about me. HE's really not assassinating me with every breath and every word. I'm just so irrational that I think HE is.

And if I really were NOTHING, would HIS pain end?