Comfort from an Unlikely Source......

I'm not ready to really "talk" about it, but let's just say that some good insight, new perspective, and maybe a bit of comfort (if not peace) came from a very unlikely source the other day. I called my kids' dad (read this article for a bit of background on the pain I've felt for MANY years with regard to him).

Why?

Because the ONLY other time in my life that I've felt like I'm feeling now is in relationship to my kids' dad. And the only other person that knew me during that dark time, before it, and now after it also is my kids' dad. I needed to know, and was finally ready to really hear the truth. And so I asked the question, "What was so wrong with me? Why couldn't you love me, and if not me at least love my kids (your kids) enough to be involved with them? What is so horrible, bad, broken, or damaged or deformed in ME that you preferred to be cruel rather than kind."

Questions that I've been afraid to ask because I was afraid of the answer(s). I realize that my current situation/circumstance is different BUT the feelings and the end result is the same. I am left criticizing and questioning myself because of someone else's behavior; and blaming myself; and feeling that if I were just gone everyone else would be happier/better off.

It was a fascinating 2 hour conversation, and I will leave it at this......not at all what I expected. And I am grateful that I had the courage to call and ask.