ANGRY......and Sick.......Dis-EASE!!!!!

I'm sick. It's official. I've tried to ignore, cajole, cox, and thwart it away. But to no avail. I woke this morning (well actually I woke 4 times during the night) to the all too familiar pounding of a sinus infection. For 2 weeks now, I've been struggling with and fighting off a cold, knowing full well that if I didn't stop it, then I'd end up in just this situation. Terribly and unhappily sick!

I also knew that if I couldn't fight it off then I'd be forced to admit my weakness and go to the doctor. And that after I'd gone to the doctor and gotten the blessed pills that will put the suffering to an end, I'd be left wondering and questioning why, every year at this time do I end up so dreadfully ill?

Why, when just days ago it was my birthday, and it was so good this year? Why would every year at this time cause me to get so physically sick? I can track it back for more years now than I can count.....Every September I get sick, and then begins a cycle of illness and antibiotics that continues until springtime (usually my last bout is somewhere mid-to-late March).

WHY?

I used to love the autumn. I loved the crisp mornings, apple pies, apple crips, and anything else that my mom to figure out to do with apples. I loved the anticipation of starting back to school, and the excitement and adventure of returning to learning. I also knew that my birthday was sort of the "kick-off" for the season. Usually, just a week or two after school started, my birthday.

And somehow fall became a sort of time of personal renewal and growth for me; a time to check my progress and kind of decide what I wanted to accomplish in the coming academic year. It was also the time of year when my 'cello teacher, MaryAnne Dresher, and I would spend days and weeks listening to music to determine the pieces that I would learn, accomplish, polish, and perform for the coming year's competitions.

So, when did everything change and all of the sudden the autumn lost its magick? And instead leave with it a seasonal cold, evolving into a sinus infection, and heralding in a season of sickness?

I know when, and I shudder to put it into words, but......Well, in AA they say "you're only as 'sick' as your secrets." And not that I am an alcoholic (I'm not), but I am well-versed in 12-Step programs, but that's another story for another time.

The first year I EVER remember getting sick in the autumn was September of 1986. I was turning 18 that year, and 3 weeks before my birthday, I married the man who would become the father of my 4 children. I was a baby......I know that now, as I look at the man-boy that is my son. He just celebrated his 18th birthday 17 days ago......But I thought I was so grown up. I thought I knew; but what did I know; what does anyone know at 18? Nothing.

Michael and I married on August 23, 1986. No, I wasn't pregnant. I just got married. Ok, yes there were reasons, but again, that's another story for another day.

And 2 weeks later on September 6, 1986, he hit me for the first time; 13 days after that was my birthday and for the first time EVER in my life to that point, I was sick on my birthday. What did I know? Nothing. I had been raised in a very religious home, and yes my parents fought, but my father never struck my mother. I didn't believe that religious people did that. I knew nothing of physical, emotional, spiritual, and psychic violence.

I didn't know how to put words to my need for help. So, my body shut down; I got sick; and people soothed my ailing body; too bad that I didn't know it was really my ailing soul (my broken heart) that was the source of the illness.

This year I turned 37 years old, and just as every year for the past 19 I was sick for my birthday. I've allowed my kids' dad to steal the joy of every one of my past 19 birthdays from me because I've been sick.

Ordinarily, I'm a pretty healthy person. I love to be outdoors: hiking, biking, running, camping, jumping on the tramp. I don't always eat what I KNOW I ought, but that alone is not enough to cause me to get so sick. No, I get sick because of the feelings and the memories that I desperately run from and try to ignore.

But "Feelings Buried Alive Never Die".

I get angry usually around the 20th of August. Angry at myself for being so stupid and making such a poor choice; a choice that has had effects much further reaching than I could have ever imagined. Angry at Michael for being a charmingly, cruel coward. Angry that I believed his lies; angry that he told them. I just get full-on, pissed off, rage filled ANGRY.

Anger that sticks in my craw, catches in my chest, and comes back up in my throat. Anger that I can feel surging through my veins like poison. Anger that takes on a life and a will of its own and blinds me to any other awareness.

I learned years ago, that in order to function during the "Angry Season", it was best to shut down. To put myself on "auto-pilot" and hold on by my fingernails to survive until it passed. I learned that if I didn't shut down, I was no good (in fact I was bad) to my kids. And so for years, I just lost my happiness, lost my joy, lost my feelings, got sick and wondered why.

This year was different. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to feel. I was accutely aware of the tricks my mind wanted to play and I was disciplined and vigilant at sticking with the feelings rather than just shutting down. Maybe that's why it took longer than normal for the sickness to finally catch me. I don't know......

But I know this......I have more reason, GREATER and MORE important reason to be happy at my birthday from now on than I have to be angry.

THIS IS THE LAST ONE THAT HE WILL OWN. I want my birthdays back. He doesn't deserve them. There's someone else who is FAR FAR FAR more worthy of them than he is. And next year, that person will have my birthday and every birthday after that........

And I will also re-claim my autumn. No longer will autumn be the Angry Season. I want autumn back in all it's wonder, excitement, and anticipation. As of NOW, Autumn and Winter will be claimed as my Renewal Season.

You see, Michael, you've already stolen enough from me. You took my youth, my innocence, my heart, my childbirth, my motherhood, my love. And left me nearly dead emotionally and severely depleted physically when the police took you from our home. And I was left to pick up the pieces and figure out how to forge a life for myself and my children. And for years you continued to torment and torture me in court and out, using my love for my kids against me, using my own mind and heart against me, even using my church and my faith against me.

And bit by bit, I've taken those things back from you. I've cut the chains that you used to bind and control me. And I've raised beautiful children, created a home, established a life, become a woman. But in this one place I still have been giving you the control........I'll give you this one for old times' sake, it's already passed anyway.

You didn't deserve the girl I once was; you certainly don't deserve the woman I have become.

And so, I want you to know that next year's birthday (and next year's autumn/winter ~ Renewal Season) is MINE!