Fatter now than I have EVER been in my life! stress taking a huge toll on my physical health. i need a break but god has other ideas.
~Mina~ Read the rest of this post!

Ah, life is getting better. peace and order has begun to regain its rightful place in my heart, and home. next court date for alex is on thursday.
~Mina~ Read the rest of this post!

My husband and his son were invited by me to move out. They accepted my offer. I guess drugs really are a better choice than a family.
~Mina~ Read the rest of this post!

Would anyone miss me if I were gone? maybe I should just disappear.
~Mina~ Read the rest of this post!

Comfort from an Unlikely Source......

I'm not ready to really "talk" about it, but let's just say that some good insight, new perspective, and maybe a bit of comfort (if not peace) came from a very unlikely source the other day. I called my kids' dad (read this article for a bit of background on the pain I've felt for MANY years with regard to him).

Why?

Because the ONLY other time in my life that I've felt like I'm feeling now is in relationship to my kids' dad. And the only other person that knew me during that dark time, before it, and now after it also is my kids' dad. I needed to know, and was finally ready to really hear the truth. And so I asked the question, "What was so wrong with me? Why couldn't you love me, and if not me at least love my kids (your kids) enough to be involved with them? What is so horrible, bad, broken, or damaged or deformed in ME that you preferred to be cruel rather than kind."

Questions that I've been afraid to ask because I was afraid of the answer(s). I realize that my current situation/circumstance is different BUT the feelings and the end result is the same. I am left criticizing and questioning myself because of someone else's behavior; and blaming myself; and feeling that if I were just gone everyone else would be happier/better off.

It was a fascinating 2 hour conversation, and I will leave it at this......not at all what I expected. And I am grateful that I had the courage to call and ask. Read the rest of this post!

Cell Phone Comment

Is life just meant to BE meaningless survival? Nothing more than existing? Am I living just because I am still breathing? Is this really all there is?

~ Mina ~ Read the rest of this post!

Cell Phone Comment

Just experimenting to see if this works. I just sent this from my cell phone. Now, even when I'm not at a computer, I can post things.

I'm not working today. I cannot pretend everything is fine. Going to bed.

~ Mina ~ Read the rest of this post!

Is there no balm......

Still more time has passed. And really I don't know that I have noticed any improvement in my circumstance. Sometimes, I really wish that there were words or a diagnosis or that there were something that could be objectively evaluated and fixed, stitched up, mended, or cured. But there is nothing.

And that's really the problem. In order to cope, my life has become endless days of nothing. I go to work, deliver the papers, chase kids here and there, make meals, grocery shop, do dishes, and all of it worthless, meaningless, endless NOTHING!

Sometimes, I think it would be better to feel something ANYTHING to see a cause a reason for all this nothing. Those thoughts quickly turn dark and frighteningly horrifying. And yet sometimes they seem the only sane and rational response. I wish I could be selfish enough to end this all. I cannot survive another year. I can't.....

But I feel guilt every time I try to speak. I don't matter in all of this at all, "it's not about you, it's about ______ and HIS pain". Yup that's what they all say, they......the counsellors, and him, and the biggest traitor of all......HIS pain is all that matters. It's not about me. I'm just for some irrational freaky reason CHOOSING to make it about me. HE's really not assassinating me with every breath and every word. I'm just so irrational that I think HE is.

And if I really were NOTHING, would HIS pain end? Read the rest of this post!